We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
