his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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