1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
