OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
