If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
