I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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