got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
