I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.