I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
