I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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