There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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