Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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