if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
