I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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