this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
