Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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