I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
