my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
