Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
