so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
