My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
