how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
