Who wears a wallet chain?!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
