We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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