This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i've created a new STD.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
