I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I understand Curling. That high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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