i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
