wanna go halves on a baby?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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