I will die if light touches me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
