hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
