he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
