what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
