Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
