Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
