Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
