why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
