I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
