you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
