Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
