I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize