So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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