Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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