the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
