Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
