Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
