you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
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His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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