I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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