Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
