Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
