Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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