Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
