I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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