Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
